My Blog

I was feeling anxious earlier but not quite sure why?  I am having anxiety ever dam day and not quite sure why.  That quote is not working, You know the "Don't worry today about tomorrow" quote.  I keep reading that quote and still worrying about my future.  Where will I end up in 5 or 10 years?  I don't want to end up living with my sister!  That will be sheer hell!  And living with Selective Mutism is sheer hell!  Maybe I am supposed to be living with Selective Mutism and having anxiety every day?  And not working.  Making jewelry and not being able to sell them because I don't know how.  I will lose my social security check if I even try to make money on the side!  I can't even sell a couple of old reborns that I had.  Well they don't work for me. I mean I can't bond. No, that's not it... I mean they don't work for my anxiety anymore.    The other day I mindfully noticed that my mom is shrinking and I appeared...

This is what I found on calmclinic.com.  Not sure if this is right or not.  :'(  Do I have anxiety about my weight?  Do I binge eat on foods that I really don't need to be eating?  and then experience anxiety after eating as a result?        "Anxiety Over Eating and Weight Finally, your own feelings about things like your weight, your diet, and more can often hit you after eating is completed. Often those that have anxiety about their weight, for example, binge eat and then experience anxiety after eating as a result."

I am so mad that everyone else with Selective Mutism and severe depression and the cut themselves and has autism has their own apartment!!!  They must have a very, very, very, very, very rich relative that feels sorry for her that she was given money to pay for her apartment!!!!! :'(  She also has panic attacks.    I am just angry that I can't work and that no one feels sorry for me that I have Selective Mutism. What?  I am not good enough to feel sorry for?!!!!!!!!!  :'(   I am about to cut myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(   I never really ever admitted this but I stood a few minutes more in the shower and broke down into tears because of Selective Mutism, I mean I just think I'm never going to get better. I will never find my voice.  :'(   Is there anything else I can do to help me find my voice?  Get a speech therapist or Selective Mutism specialist?  Do you know anyone who is a Selective Mutism specialist?  ...

Was triggered this morning by a news article about a 16 year old that was raped and then buried alive. Now I'm afraid that's going to happen to me. :'(  I knew I should not click on anything that pops up on the left hand corner of my computer screen. I usually just get out of it real quick or slide it off the screen real quick just to get it off my computer screen. I dont know why those ads pop up on windows10. 

I don't know how to say this or say the feelings.  I don't know.  Even if I was able to say no one would believe me that I have depression again and feeling sad again.  I think the reason behind me not being able to tell my feelings is because of autism.  Or would autism show up this late in life?  I need help on this one.   I run every day but too bad that run is only a temporary fix.  The depression comes back.  :'(  How do I say that medicine is not working the way it should?  I am on the best medicine possible.  Why is the medicine not working?  The oxcarbazepine is working like a charm. What is there left?  The I forgot what it was called?  :'(  fluoxetine? shoot!  It is Cymbalta is what is actually for depression and anxiety.  I had to think of that just about all day for some reason.  I always forget the name of the depression/anxiety medication.     

Monday November 16, 2020  I felt a little anxious so I took an Ativan and made a cup of Chamomile tea.  I'm just tired of this Coronavirus.  I want to move out.  And these thoughts are driving me crazy!  Just the other day I had thought of hurting other people more than that. Hurting other people that I love for no apparent reason.:'(  Worse than that.... Tuesday November 17, 2020  and even depression showed up where I get sad.  What could have triggered that?  I don't understand that.  :'(       

I felt a little anxious so I took an Ativan and made a cup of Chamomile tea.  I'm just tired of this Coronavirus.  I want to move out.  And these thoughts are driving me crazy!  Just the other day I had thought of hurting other people more than that. Hurting other people that I love for no apparent reason.:'(  Worse than that  Tuesday November 17, 2020  and even depression showed up where I get sad.  What could have triggered that?  I don't understand that.  :'(