My Blog

Just had a panic attack about going to the doctor. Which in about a week I go to an office visit. I was trembling and shaking. I felt sick. Just the thought of going out terrifies me. And this coronavirus is on its second wind of it i think. 😢😥   Jason said something about my big butt and I wanted to jump through that computer screen and strangle his ass!   And last night I woke up screaming in my sleep. I don't remember it now. I think probably I was being chased by something which was probably what might have tapped when I was about 3 yrs old. 

I think I am going to throw up. :'(  Well, I did eat a big cookie. It was a oatmeal creme pie.   Personally, I could have just drunk a warm cup of milk but did not.  ugh!  I just feel queasy.  Not sleeping well at all.  

Hello June! I'm rather anxious this month but don't know why.  I tried meditation. I can't sit still long enough.  I tried holding my baby girl, Jordan. She wants to go downstairs and beg for food when she has her dry dog food in her bowl.  I do however hold that cute little reborn, Hope Serenity.  But Jason, has to comment on that like um... "what are you doing with that baby doll" or something stupid like that.  I go on thinking but don't say, "it helps with my SM, anxiety".  but afraid to tell him.  I don't know why though.  

For about an hour I had a panic attack when I was watching a video about a 40-year-old with autism and his two aging parents of 74.  Then I got to thinking about my parents and they are aging.  I am going to be left here with my sister who doesn't know what to do if I have an anxiety/panic attack.  I want to learn how to care for myself but not quite sure where to start.  No one will believe me. That is probably one symptom of autism is no one believing them and what they say. :'(   

Hey, I am wondering if I have agoraphobia and autism.  I read something in my Selective Mutism Resource Manual awhile back.  If I can find what page it is on.  I highlighted what I thought was me and what my mom told me.   I was just triggered when Jason told me about a robbery that happened today in a gas station. My mind started going wild and thinking over and over that um... what if that happened to me and they demanded my debit card and taken every cent on it. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :'(  That's all I know. The rest is um... I don't know. I don't think I got that at all correct or even understood it correctly. :-/   Am I triggered really easily or not?    

Hey, the only time I went out walking is when I went to get the mail and walked around the corner with Jordan.   Okay. I haven't eaten anything sweet today at all except I forgot about the oatmeal creme pie I had earlier while soaking my ankle in the bath.  I had melatonin, lavender, and chamomile and at least I had sparkling water.  

Feeling kind of anxious. Well, I was feeling kind of anxious at 6pm. I was trying not to eat these m&m's that is on my desk.  I couldn't go for a walk as it was almost getting dark.  What else is on my mind?  But I don't know what to say as I might get it wrong?  Is this a symptom of mild to moderate Autism or something?  I want to figure this out. I want to get tested.  What if it was missed when I was what 3 to about 10.   I would have to guess that I have mild autism.  My baby girl jordan is so sweet. I was in the bathroom and Jordan went to see what was taking me so long. Her wants me in the same room with her like her is safer with me there. I don't know. LOL!