Saturday January 7, 2023

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Just had a nightmare about a woman or could have been a man but they had long hair so it could have been both. So anyway, I had dreamed that she or he had a big knife or i mean it might have been a sword. She or he began stabbing me with it. Right before I woke up from the dream a dog started chasing me down the stairs. Mom said what was all the blood for? Then I woke up in a pool of sweat. Ugh. 

I need to ask this.  Does a mattress or a pillow make your neck hurt? It stays in pain all day and all night.  It is just going to have to wait since I am saving for a cruise. But then there are lots of things that I want to do when I turn 50.  Can I do them all at once when I turn 50?  I want to meet someone who loves me for me and he has to be nice, sweet, sensitive and caring.  But there is no such thing as a guy being that way. If a guy is ever those four things, it probably means that he is gay?     

I hope I don't ruin his relationship and get AJ mad at me when I say this but I loved him for 10 years when will it be my turn. I want him so bad but my mother and couple of my other relatives says that I only know Jason. I want a divorce from Jason so I can see AJ.  How can I change their minds that I want AJ?  But first things first... Does he love me or does he just see me as a friend?  All I know is what Jason told me and what AJ told me. Aj told me that I don't need anyone right now. Jason told me that I was Aj's summer/fall fling that I helped him out of a depression state. :'(  Why doesn't anyone love me for me?  All I know is that I am too big, and too fat for any man!!!  I will try to lose the weight and see what happens.  But I still won't be happy either way. :'(  None of my family reads this blog so what the hell's the point!?   

I know that I said this before but if my mom and dad caught me with a bl... (i mean african american) man, they would absolutely kick my ass as and send me to my room.  But I must say this......... my cousin Madeline is married to a bl. (i mean african american) man and my other cousin Emily had a baby recently by an african american man.  If I think my life is bad.  Then my dad's family over there in the Houston area is like Days Of Our lives over there.  LOL!  The only sane one over there is probably my Aunt Tanya.  My Aunt Laura is half crazy but she is funny as heck!  

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