Monday January 9, 2023 | Dreams about my future

It seems like I don't know where I will be in about 20 years.  I will be safely tucked away into a nursing home--wasted away my life.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I want to be in a house or apartment in at least 5 years but it's not looking that way.  

I am having dreams about my future at night and crying about the disaster it brings.  I even saw my mom crying.  What does that mean when you or your mom is crying in a dream?  Why we were crying in my dream last night (january 8) was probably because I didn't get successful and I was never really happy with the way things turned out.  The goals I talked about in the other blog (january 4th blog), was that a good thing or bad thing.  But I have thought about more goals during that time after I wrote down those things.  Let me see if I can think of them since the other (january 4th blog) was just thought up. I didn't meditate first before I started writing.  I have a deadline at 50. lol Well they all say life begins at 50 don't they?  I want to have a love that will love me back and will treat me right and me do the same. I will speak but only in certain situations and to certain people.  So yeah I will say I do.  Jason is wrong when he says that I will not.  Jason wants himself to be right and me to be wrong.  Jason tries to tell me what right from wrong is when he got right from wrong from his mother.  Oh Jason just told me that I am in better shape than he is even though I am fatter than he is.  I am more flexible than Jason is and Jason is as stiff as a board.  

I also dreamed last night (january 8) that I had bought a weeble wobble a toy back in the 80's.  I did have a couple weeble wobbles and my sister and I was playing with them when I was two years old. I probably had a weeble wobble bus to put them in.  Yes, I did have a bus to put them in and maybe I had the weeble wobble train.   I also remember having those fisher price little people and little house and a little car to put them in. My sister and I were playing with them in the living room on Broadmoore Street.  I can even locate the same house that we lived in back in the mid to late 70's on google maps.  It was almost on the corner of Broadmoore Street. Donna's (my sister's best friend) was on the corner of Broadmoore street. Donna was the one who had a dog named TJ who bit my nose. Well he tried to bite my nose off.  I still remember that like it was yesterday.  I have flashbacks every now and then but not often.  Ugh! I can still remember that dam dog.  

 <--- I vaguely remember this. I may or may not had this one. it was a weeble wobble house.

Okay here is what I think.  My sister did everything that our father thinks that was not kosher for me to do when he would rather me be more like my sister.  He said that back in the 80's.  My sister shacked up with a guy......well starting from when she was 22 and kept dating guys until she met Gerard her husband.  Well why can't I be more like my sister?  My sister isn't kosher.  Hey dad! Kosher belongs in a pickle. You know? A pickle brand is a Kosher.  That is what kosher is.  I am a person with feelings not a pickle!  Just because I have selective mutism doesn't mean I can't do things. I can do more things like other people who have selective mutism. People who have selective mutism are married, they drive a car, they have kids and they can go on a vacation with their husbands without supervision with their parents.  What makes me so different?  Like I said, I can speak in certain situations and to certain people.     

Okay, what does this blog mean that I am going through a mid-life crisis maybe? Is it?