What is on my mind?

What is on my mind?  

Saturday, September 25, 2021 

OMG!  This is not good!  I um... uh beginning to love him more and more each day.  How do I stop this?  But I'm afraid getting rejected.  :'(  The anxiety will not let me say what I want to say.  Yeah, I know people will tell me not to worry about it.  If it is not important, don't worry about it. I don't want that to come to late especially when I like talking to him and he likes talking to me.  You know what, I'm not going to worry about it.  

I am a person with a mental health disorder and people with a mental disorder and an anxiety disorder and have to ask their parents if they want to do something.   No not something illegal.  It is not anything like that.  I will not let anyone do anything illegal and getting in a car with people you don't know is bad news. My parents have to know  their parents and get along with them well.    I will never let anyone leave me in the dark. I will grab their shirt playfully and say “get your ass back here”.  LOL!  

I would never not wear a bra out in public if that makes any sense.  It is so gross to not wear a bra out in public. I mean I still can't forget that time when my teacher thought that I took off my bra in class when really I did not!  What happened was that my bra unfastened and I was unable to tell her.  It was so embarrassing and she humiliated me so bad!  I was in the 6th grade back then.  My Selective Mutism was so bad that I froze up and I could not speak at all.  I will never forget what that teacher accused me of.  :'(  

And if I ever get arrested and not able to speak to police and how would I ask for a pen or something to write with to tell them about Selective Mutism.  God for bid that would ever happen again. No, I am hoping that it does not happen again.  That did not sound right. 

What is on my mind  

Sunday September 26, 2021

Not only is he ocd  but he also self harms like I do.   He even stopped me from self harming.  I also believe that I am ocd.   What do you think being afraid of germs is?  Now do you see what I'm saying? Even a doctor is going to say I am anything else but ocd.   Being afraid of being sick?  Now my mom going to tell me that everyone is afraid of being sick.  Ugh!  If I have ocd I have a mild form of it. What if I had a certain way of cleaning things? Then again, everyone has a certain way of cleaning things right?   But I don't know what certain thing is.  Everything has to be in a certain way?  What the hell  is that called if it is not ocd?  I rest my case!  The doctor will not call it ocd but some other kind of form that is not ocd.  Ugh!  I'm about to hurt some people.  :'(  I think I want to get that checked like what is this called when I think things that like I think I want to hurt others and myself but I don't. I think everyone has that problem. That they want to hurt people but they don't really.   It is  probably more like that “fight mode” when I think people are a threat to me?  I don't know where I'm going with this.  I don't know how to say this.  I imagine that I hit someone on the head and in my head they said “what are you doing”.  Now with what? It could be like whatever I think of that time?  It could vary.   If that is the word I am looking for.   I start to cry in my head and that would be it.  One example would be if I think of the dogs. Like if I thought if I stepped on the dogs head. I shake my head and say “get the hell of my head you asshole”!  Then I shake my head and the thought GTFO out of  my head.     My mom would tell me there is nothing to worry about with that.  Please tell me she's right or wrong. Oh and things have to be a certain way in my room if they aren't a certain way, that object falls and then I get mad.  Just like when my glasses fell last night. I got a tad agitated when my glasses fell and I didn't want to pick them up.  I knew I couldn't read anything without them.  So I thought oh f-it get your glasses the next time you get up and pee which was at  6am way the way.  Uh oh!  So that Selective Mutism is trying to get out huh?  And saying those kinds  of words is not exactly a good start huh? Yeah.  Does anyone else with Selective Mutism speak like that?  Or I should say does Karin and Lisa speak like that?  No, they don't.  

You know what?  I don't think that I have ocd not in the least.  I don't think that is ocd.  I mean, who cares if you clean things more than once!!!! Ugh!!!  ahhhhhhh!!! I think too much!!  I need to not think so much.  Another thing that I do is make sure the stove is off then go back again and check the stove again and keep checking.  Same thing what happens when I close and lock the door.  I lock the door and then I go back and check to see if the door is locked.  She is not around me enough to know that I'm ocd!  What do you think ocd is?  All I know is that ocd is an anxiety disorder and that I have been developing other anxiety disorders because I have Selective Mutism which is the main anxiety disorder.  I have of course Selective Mutism, which is the main anxiety disorder. And then I have Panic disorder. So what is going to pop up next?  Probably no other anxiety disorders because according to my mom I don't have ocd.  Wait.... maybe she did say that I have bit of ocd?  Oh shit! I don't know.  :'(  

He says that I changed him from being mean to nice?  Not real sure what that means.  I don't quite understand that yet.  Once he met me about 10 years ago it changed him?