My Blog

I need someone to settle an argument, or kinda an argument.  I say my muscle pain is due to anxiety and my exercises .  Do I need to rest my muscles or work them out ?   My mom and my doctor say it is due to my weight, and that to lose weight and the muscle pain will go away.   Who is right?   I guess I will try to lose the weight to make my mom happy.  So my muscle tension is all because of my weight?  This just doesn't make any sense to me at all whatsoever!   So I am listening to one person (my doctor, the real doctor) who says it is my weight.  But then I listen to another person who says it is anxiety.  I was taught to ignore things that are anxiety related!  Maybe I should just try to lose the weight and see what happens.  So I guess I will just listen to the people that claim to know me really well and know how I am.  I will just listen to my real doctor the one that I actually pay for an ap...

I don't know what my core values are. I don't know what core values are.  People kept saying that I didn't have any empathy at all.  

What makes me excited to wake up every morning is exercising and yoga .  I absolutely love to exercise, and yoga and Qigong make me feel really relaxed and calm.  I only exercise for my mental health .   Some days I am unable to even get up, I guess.  I guess that is all I can say for right now.  What am I missing?  I feel like there has to be more to this.  I feel like I am leaving stuff out all the time because I forget to say things.  

I don't know if my needs from childhood were constantly ignored.  I probably didn't know what needs were.  All I knew was that I had special needs .  My family should have treated me like I was normal.  I have other things wrong, too.  I have auditory processing difficulties , which I think I was diagnosed with at age 12 or 13.  I know that I was in junior high .  I got everything that I could possibly get, but there comes that time when you can't get everything that you want or need.   Actually, I didn't know what selective mutism was when I was 4.  All I knew was that I just wanted to be able to speak to people.  I won't listen to Jason because he doesn't know anything about SM .  He doesn't even read anything about SM.  He just makes up stuff.  You know what?  He probably got that making-up stuff from his mother.  

How come my parents won't let me get an apartment?  I need to see if I can make it.  My parents think that will happen again that did back on December 20, 2012 .  I think that because I was in my 30s back in 2012, they were all bullying me over there at Seville apartments .  It is temporarily closed at the moment.  One day, I saw it on Google Maps, and it showed that it was closed down.  I don't know if I did it by reporting or if it just closed down.  Well, back in 2012, they were acting like elementary school kids over there.  It was horrible!  Those elderly people were just complaining about stuff, just one thing after another.     Then Jason said that I was running down the hall screaming. Well, it was raining and I was trying to make a run for it inside, and I had my dog, my other fullbred chihuahua with me at the time, and oh, the worst part of that is that those old nasty men over there were hitting on me.  I wante...

I would like to have an actual house or apartment that smells nice, has really nice furniture, and features a shower head and faucet that work really well.  I would also like to live alone , but I can't.  I simply can not stand up for myself .  My family is still thinking that I can't speak and won't stand up for myself. They are afraid that some crazy person might take advantage of me due to my selective mutism .  Now, if my selective mutism were a little more manageable, then maybe they could think about an apartment.  If I just stopped spending so much money, I would be able to afford an apartment .  

First off.  No one really knew how to speak to someone who has selective mutism.  I wanted to express myself in positive ways without anger.  Anger was the only way I knew how, but in negative ways.  How do we learn to express anger, and where do we learn it from?  No, it was not Jason! I did not know Jason back in the 80s.  Well, I knew a Jason, and he went to a different jr high school than I went to.  When one of my classmates called me on the phone when I was in jr high, his name was Brian.  He asked me Do you love me or Jason.  Well course I said Jason in my head.  No matter how hard I tried, the answer would not come out of my mouth.  It was stuck in my throat, almost like a lump.  This is why I suspect I have mild autism.  The first time I really suspected--- it was back in 2016 when I read a book called Selective Mutism Resource Manual.  I think there is a connection between selective mutism and autism.  ...