My Blog

I think I am having a panic attack.  If it even is a panic attack. :'(  I recently went to the doctor and my A1C was right back to normal.  But she had me get another blood test on the day of my appointment.  Yes, that blood test showed some kind of arthritis of some sort where I get full body aches and pains.  And some idiot thinks that I have some autoimmune disease.  No Jason did not say that!  No I am not telling Jason and besides he can't read.  haha! 

I don't think that this is true but I'm wondering and I don't want to rule anything out.  Does anxiety and stress create physical symptoms like arthritis in the body?   Do you think that a weighted vest could work for anxiety?  I know a weighted vest works for when we do cardio workouts, it somehow makes us build more muscle and more calories.  I am not totally sure how it works.  I heard it from a certified fitness trainer Tracy Campoli on youtube.   Is full body muscle aches and pains a symptom of anxiety?  Right now it is in my neck, shoulders, back, hips and legs.    

I remember that when I was about 3 or 4, I went to this place called little folks at the time on 11th Street.  I never would play with other kids my age. Kids my age made me anxious.  I would always hang out with the adults watching the other kids there.  Over the years it was renamed to something else that cares for kids and then it was renamed to something else.  We would go down that street all the time before me, my mom and dad moved to California.  I loved my peace and quiet but loved to hang out with the adults.(i think)  I was bullied back in preschool and kindergarten. (i think)  The last time I was not anxious about anything was when I was about 2 years old. Yes, 2 years old.  Because my mom told me that I spoke to my uncle Max when I was 2.  I asked like a kid of two would ask "are you comfortable?"  That is what my mom told me.  So I didn't have any signs of selective mutism at 2?  Well not until I hit Kindergarten u...

I have always wanted to try acting but something is stopping me.  I guess I have to say my lack of speaking is stopping me from trying something new.  But what can I do?  I have always wanted to get an apartment again.  Uh if they are that worried about it then they can still take care of my money if that is the problem of what happened over there at Seville Apartments.   The only one who I got anything from is Liz Jackson but how did she find out what I did on that day of December 20, 2012?  Blabber mouth Lisa!  It figures!  It figures Lisa would tell.  Liz told me that I did some inappropriate things over there.  Now what are inappropriate things?  If I don't know what they are then I am not able to not do that again?  I do have the tools so god forbid if that crap ever happens again, I can fight back!   I just didn't have the guts to fight back in my 30s because I was so much younger than the people over there...

I just want to sit here an vent here but people want to be assholes to me and say that it is complaining all the time. I want help with something but... I mean I am not able to word it when everyone thinks that I'm normal and everyone else has the same thing I do.  No one person can't possibly understand selective mutism when they think they go through the same thing that do!  When people say that they do not understand selective mutism quite yet!  I am unable to say what I need help on because I am unable to find the words.  If one person says that they are like that too, I will punch you!  Okay, If I unable to find the words, then how am I able to write this?  I don't know that either.  I really don't know a lot of the things that I do.  If one other person says that I will start punching people!  I know violence is not the answer.  I just want people to really UNDERSTAND SELECTIVE MUTISM!   I guess that is it until later....

Do you think that I share too much?  I wanted to write this but I think that I am regretting it.  I really screwed up in jr high when I put or tried to rest my foot on the school's wall except it wasn't just a wall, it was a window... and crash.  I whispered shoot except it was wasn't shoot.  It was shit.  I guess you heard by now that my favorite word is shit.  My favorite number is 25.  Anyways, I had to pay the school back by volunteering.   Another time in high school back in Vacaville California.  I had called the school and hung up the phone repeatedly.  Again, I had to volunteer in the school's cafetaria there too.  I was truly sorry for what I did and I never ever touched a phone ever again!  After that I was scared to pick up the phone let alone talk on it.  Not only was I not able to say or think of the words to say.  Plus I was afraid that people would laugh at me for saying the things that Jason says....

A few minutes ago, I had an anxious thought about my 5-year-old self. What was she doing? She was standing outside the kindergarten in a bright yellow dress, feeling very nervous. I know why; I was in love with a boy named Paul Beaumont back in the 80s. It was probably around 1979 when I started kindergarten. I vividly remember standing outside, feeling shy and nervous, as it was likely my first day of school.