My Blog

Today on the way to my sister's house, I was making myself crazy thinking about my life that when mom and dad um... Are not here anymore. I became in a depressed state but tried to hide it outside of me.  It is really hard for me to explain why I look like that.  But as we were leaving, I saw my dad walking from the back of the car when Rebecca was putting his walker in the trunk of the car. My dad was walking and was almost in tears.   Earlier today on September 21, I was in meditation and I had a panic attack and almost cried. Instead, I went back to listen to the guided meditation and followed her voice. I was fine after that.  When I got out of meditation, I couldn't stop moving my feet and my legs until I got up from my chair. So I figured I was just sitting there for 20 minutes or so and I ignored it.  Sunday September 22,2024 7:31AM |  I am just afraid that my SM would kick in and I would go into a terrible depression. I would have to get a serv...

This is the worst! This sucks!!!  And don't you dare tell me it isn't that bad.  I can't stand up for myself and people have to speak for you.  I'm about to start cursing!  Almost!  I got this worksheet from 15Worsheets.com.  

The title was something that I thought of that when I think of the color yellow I think of it being the mood booster.  And yes it was my favorite color back when I was 2 years old to about 5 years old.  I could have liked yellow when I was 6 years old to about 10 years old, but 2 to about 5 years old was my earliest memory of that color as my favorite.   Last night I had a dream about my jr high school teacher.  I dreamed that I was learning sign language to help others who also has problems with speaking.  Like I said, what helps other people also helps me. Well something like that.  

No wonder I can control it.  This is not even related to Tardive Diskinesia.  It is not even related to being a habit! ahhhhh stupid people!    I have a question.  Is Lip-farting an autistic stim?  This is probably a verbal stim?  I have heard Jason make a humming sound whenever he was doing something.  I just let it go because I though it was a bad habit.  Just like I thought that the lip-farting was a bad habit.  Maybe, perhaps it could be um.... autistic stim? Maybe?  If it is, why is this popping up now?  Wouldn't I be diagnosed with autism in childhood? Unless my childhood doctor missed it?  I was diagnosed with SM when I was 4 but I believe that I had SM when I was two and three years old--when I was in preschool.  Why? Because I physically couldn't speak when I was two and three years old.  It started when I was in preschool when I physically could not speak to teachers and my peers.  Then it eventual...

Nutter butters peanut butter hershey's chocolate syrup two packages of vanilla pudding mix in whole big tub of cool whip (not the cheap stuff, the cheap cool whip is nasty) Mini reeses cups

Why do I understand this person so much?  Yes, it is frustating to shut down in social situations and go non-verbal. This is why people call it situational mutism instead of selective mutism.  But no one else thinks that I have autism.  Here is another one I can relate to.  When she first starts out her video, is exactly how I feel during those moments.  Here is the video.  https://youtu.be/-ckjhICRP1A?si=0g3-OiWXxRDPR36a Or maybe I am just full of sh*t and really don't know.  Now that is other people's words out of my mouth.  No, I really understand what these people are saying and I understand them so much and I really do think it's high-functioning autism.  

I had a fear that when someone walks all over me.  I think they do but it's a different kind of something that they walk all over me.  Like if I get brave enough to ask someone if they want to do something and they don't say anything because they think that I won't talk back.  If people would ever be more patient with me I will speak up.  The only thing that I ask is that they won't judge what I say and if my family judges what I say, I will think that I have said the wrong thing.  This is what I thought about coming back from the store on September 8.  It was the scaryiest thing because I would be all alone in the world trying to find a way to and from the store.  People think that I can't do anything because of stress and anxiety because Jason can't because of anxiety.  What does Jason know?   What triggered that up there when I thoought that in the car?  Then I imagined me and Karin getting into big fist fights and her husband Ge...