My Blog

I have noticed that I only give eye contact to the people that I know.  The that come up and talk to me like in a store or something I like look away and then answer their question all while spinning my anxiety ring around my finger. Oh that last time, I think I was in Walmart and Jason told me that someone was trying to talk to me but I swear to god I did not hear her because she was on the side that my ear clogged.  Oh ring goes with me everywhere with me except when I will have the colonoscopy.  I had two already. My first on was in April 2021. My second one was in August 2022. And my third colonoscopy will be in August 2024.   Just yesterday I put my pinky in my ear and out came some wax. Gross. But at least I can hear.  lol!  I bet if I went to the doctor and they got some hot water and sprayed in my ear and wax would pour right out of the same ear.  I believe that my ear clogging up has something to do with Auditory Processing Disorder. No, ...

What is one thing you could do to take better care of yourself? How can you add it into your daily routine?   I would start by cleaning up my diet. What is the best one? Going plant-based or gluten free?  But both can have pretty high sugar, salt and fat content. Ugh!  So that is out of the question.  I can't go Keto because that is a very high fat diet. So that to is out of the question.  I guess I could just go no sugar, low salt and very low carb. As we all know that carbohydrates turn into sugar in everyone's body.  ugh!  So I am back to square one of just cutting out sugar, salt and carbohydrates.  

This blog was from Monday January 18, 2024. It got messed up and I had to redo this whole blog. (Can you just get selective mutism? Selective mutism can start at any age, but most often starts in early childhood, between age 2 and 4. It's often first noticed when the child starts to interact with people outside their family, such as when they begin nursery or school.) I remember that I started to feel anxious when I was about 2 years old and when I went into preschool, I was feeling anxious. The reason that I didn't tell people that is because I could not literally speak to tell them that. Now that I gathered up some balls and courage to speak, no body wants to listen because they think that I won't speak. ugh! It started when I first started preschool. My mom said that shut up when I started kindergarten at Wilbanks Elm.(it is now the BISD office) Now when we go by that street or near Longfellow apartments, I will have memories or backflashes to when I was a kid...

I woke up really anxious if you can call it that.  I had a dream that I was on the verge of dying.  And I heard when you die, there was like nothin there. It is like the end. This is what I was thinking when I was three. Why would a three year old think of a scary thought like death?   Well in 2009, I started believing in angels and that angels who were posed as loved ones who have passed away recently which at the time in 2009 when my great aunt Nell passed away in 2005. I believed that she was watching over me.  I don't know if what I am saying is true or not.  It is just how my mind thinks and talks.  Now recently I have been dreaming and my granmaw and who I would have called granpaw. I have had dreams that granmaw and granpaw are visiting me in my dream.  I am unable to remember exactly what that said in my dream but it was something like 'everything will be okay' or 'you are meant to be exactly where you are'.  If I remember anymore, I ...

I struggle with being resilient, creative and compassionate with either myself and other people.  I struggle with all of these except with being Patient.  I learned being patient by having selective mutism.  I also struggle with being creative, ambitious and honest.  I guess Jason told me that I do not have integrity.  I know I can't make promises that I know that I don't intend to keep.  I say that is the most honesty thing I said right now.  

I had a feeling of shortness of breath for about 40 minutes. Well my depression was up to about 6 and the anxiety was and considering did have shortness of breath I would say that it was 10.  Then I stood up to take Nicki out to pee and thought I had peed myself. But I knew what it was I knew I didn't peed myself. It was just that I had started again. Well I hadn't had a period since the end of November. I skipped December and January and now it's February 7. Yep that's right I got my period in February.