My Blog

My biggest fear would be that when 

When I was a little girl in kindergarten, my class went to the library and I remember the librarian said something like "she likes all the who am I books."  Well it was either I am or Who am I books and I would go right to that section of the library at Wilbanks Elementary School and I was about 5 years old.  Wilbanks Elm is now the BISD office. For how long? I don't know.  All I know is that I got pulled out of the 4th grade at Wilbanks elm school and had to go into a mental hospital in Galveston.   I met Jennifer Ash, (she has a different last name now) but anyways I met Jennifer in the 2nd grade.  Jennifer and I made a cassette tape together.  I had the tape for a long time but after Hurricane Harvey, it disappeared.  Well anyways, me, Jennifer and couple of kids from school and some kids from around the apartment, we  were running around Longfellow Apartment.  Longfellow Apartment used to be the happening place to live and now. ...

I don't want to be complaining but how would I say this without complaining about it.  I am just talking about it I swear to god.  

I don't have any physical impairments.  I do have mental impairments which do not allow me to do anything that I want to do.  I would hate to blame this but anxiety prevents me from doing anything that I want to do.  It is all up here in my mind that is preventing me from doing things.  It is either inappropriate or unethical.  So this is all psychological to me. It could prevent me from getting an apartment, learning the pole, going to a gym, or volunteering to act in a play acting as someone with selective mutism.  You know all the simple things that I know I can do.   It is really unethical to other people anyway.  

I believe anyone can learn pole dancing.  They can be either FAT or SKINNY. It is the parents that tell their kids not to pole dance because it sounds icky.  It is not the pole.  It is the person working the pole. You just have to be responsible enough to know what is appropriate.  If you want to do pole dancing for fitness, do it despite what your family thinks.  This is only what you think and how you feel.  But if you think it's going to get you in trouble or endanger yourself, I wouldn't do it anyway.  It is not worth getting in trouble with your parents if you are incompetent and unable to make decisions for yourself. 

Yes, I absolutely struggle with standing up for myself.  I guess that is the thing that just happens.  People tell me that I can't do something and they just tell me well I'm just going to do it for you to prevent all of this.  I don't want to argue with people and that is considered fighting with people. I guess I was taught not to fight with people. Just walk away if they want to start an argument.  So no, I have never learned or even taught myself how to stand up for myself.  I don't know how to teach myself to stand up for myself.  

I was really struggling today. My sister was giving me a hard time about me speaking to google and not talking to other people.  This is what triggered the memories I had of when I was 3 below this line.  That is probably why I stopped talking to begin with when I was 3. Becky Young, (her last was young) picked me up at preschool and Amy I think was in the car.  I remember me sitting in the backseat of my mom's red thunderbird and Becky(young). I was so quiet and so shy I had noticed.  Not quite sure what was said but I was really anxious.  Dam, little pieces of memories are coming out of me.  No, I mean I am remembering more stuff when I was 3. Well Karin triggered the last one. I couldn't tell her that because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. But she did trigger something.  I need a picture of when I was 3 to put in this blog entry or to put in another blog entry. I think there is one in the storage building but not sure. People may think that i w...