My Blog

omg! This is bugging the shit out of me. What does it mean when someone wants somebody they can never date? I really don't know what to think. I can't get my words together. I feel like I can tell him anything. I love his personality. And his eyes. He tries to be patient with me. He keeps me calm. He says I keep him calm?

I had written something in this blog. but that word can't was somewhat in this blog. I want to be with someone but I need to have someone's approval.  I think the word can't should have never been in the dictionary because can't is a word that is so negative.   I was thinking this, "I am scared to live and even more scared to die? and even more, I'm afraid of being alone."  What does this second paragraph mean?  It probably does not mean anything. Just means that I am just scared and there is probably nothing to worry about?  

I have lots of thoughts running around in my head and I don't know if they are appropriate or not to say them.  So I just keep quiet.  :'(  People ask what I'm thinking and I don't say anything.  Time passes by and they have given up on getting an answer from me so they don't expect me to answer anymore.  The truth is I want to answer.   Is it so wrong to want someone that you cant have? 

    I just discovered that I only have screaming nightmares when I am on my monthly.  Every woman that I typed to on a PMDD group on Facebook said the same thing!!!  I just wonder if this screaming nightmare is related to PMDD and I have PMDD?  PMDD will stop once the cycle stops. Then menopause will start up.  If it's not one thing it's another.  lol  I am just preparing myself for menopause.  From what I hear from other women on Facebook who are already in menopause is that it is worse than PMS.  And for the women who have PMDD. omg, I can just imagine!!!  

You know what?!  I just had a crazy dream last night about AJ.  I had dreamed that he wanted to marry me.  And um... he talked about in my dream about a ring on a very important finger. Something tells me not to ever let him go.  I don't want to lose him.  I believe that nothing bad will happen. OMG!  I can see this whole thing happening like in my dreams.  Well last night I told him yes.  

I want to be able to live my life free from Selective Mutism and still be safe from predators.   I just want a chance to live my life without me.... ME having to worry about my Selective Mutism getting in the way! I have been trying to get out of this house for years. To avail....... no success yet! And no one else has ever been able to get me out of this house! Jason tried for years...... nope no success. I just shrugged my shoulders and said I don't know. Yes, I do know now. and now I have something else in the way.......My Selective Mutism. I WANT TO BE RID OF SELECTIVE MUTISM ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!!!! I guess I'm feeling down today and shouldn't be talking to anyone today until I calm myself down. There are just some things like calming myself down is one thing I have to do on my own right now. What I do know is that. I love AJ and want to be with him. For the most Aj keeps me calm. Here is a song by NKOTB. It is called "Now Or Never". Although I tri...

I wish we could go back to the way we were. I want him so bad. But this time he did not keep me calm. Why?  I need him to keep me calm. I guess I have to keep me calm. I guess there are just some things I have to do alone.   I guess we are friends?