My Blog

I am looking at a house that is being built on the next street literally behind me on San Bruno.  I mean I am literally watching from my bathroom out of the hallway window.  Now tell me, if I can see it and can believe it then I do it.  Then also here is a negative thought, and if I have the money for it--then I can do it.   I really can see myself living in that house!!!  Now it's all the matter of believing that I can do it!  The only problem is that I don't know if someone is building that house for another family to live in or what.  I certainly don't want to buy someone else's house if they are building it for them.  Now if they are going to sell it and it's within my budget and mom or dad says it's okay then yes, I can buy or rent it.  

How do I make someone happy and help?  I may not have any money left after I help that person.  I will be broke for the rest of my life and will be struggling to make ends meet!  I will never be able to live on my own if I keep spending money like water!!!!  I need to learn to save money.  :'(   I can't have my cake and eat it too................. means that I can't help someone and get my own house or apartment.  It does not work that way.  :'(  

I will never let him go.  I love him too damn much to do that.  I promise that I will never abandon him like he says that everyone else did.  I love him too much.  For the most part, I am a good listener.  I may not understand some things. I will ask what he said if I am able to. :)  One thing about a selectively mute individual is that they won't tell anyone else what that person says.  Because that anxiety won't let them. I think I know what my family will say.  I will help him deal with his anxiety but in a healthier way.  but how?  I don't know.  Any suggestions?    

I don't know how to put this but I want to meet him.  I want to go back to California.  But there is only one problem.... what if I get left there. :'( Yeah, that is what my family is thinking that will happen.  Yeah, that anxiety wants to get out... I mean I want to be able to speak to people.  I just don't want people to think I am a bitch. :'(    I love him I want to be able to speak.  I love his eyes, his personality and yeah, I'm an ass girl!!!!  lol  

I can just hear the conversation in my head between my sister, Karin and my Aunt Lisa.  ugh!!!!   It went something like this.....   Lisa to AJ: and how do you know what she wants?  Aj: She told me. She tells me everything. I have a look on my face like please talk about me like I'm in the room. And that is the end of the conversation and I left with.... yes. Because I do not want to live with my sister--Karin or my aunt Lisa.   I so wish I could live with AJ!!!

Once upon a time, I got Selective Mutism about age 5.  Somehow I got this idea that can't do things but I have no idea who told me that.  I guess it was those stupid teachers back in the day or some kid I went to school with.  I don't know.  Anyway, my parents still think that can rescue me every time that someone walks up to me.  I guess that I manipulate people by not speaking.  I do want to speak. But I physically can't speak.  I need help to speak.  And because I get angry.   I can't afford to live by myself.  I am not allowed to go anywhere on a bus or plane by myself.  If I do, I don't know what will happen.  Plus, I do not have any money to go anywhere at all because I have Selective Mutism.  I guess I should not have developed Selective Mutism.  I have learned to accept my Selective Mutism the way it is and me not being able to do anything.  :'(   I will be this way for the rest of my life ...

I just come to realize that he loves me to death.  How serious is he?  Does he love me for me?   I love him for him. First, I love his eyes.  Then I love his personality.  Did I hear right that he wanted to marry me someday?  That is the thing, I don't know.   I would like to meet him to see if I could speak to him freely as I do on video chat.  Well, some of the time.  But my mom would have to leave the area as soon as he got there because I would not be able to speak to him if she was beside me. I swear to god!   I love him.