My Blog

I have been on tiktok just looking at other people doing a quarantine dance.  This is just a silly dance.  Funnier than the Macarena dance back in 1996 and I could not even do the macarena. I kept getting mixed up.  I had it on my youtube but I think I deleted it. I'll have to find it.  But tiktok is fun.  My dentist got me hooked when he mentioned it. So I looked it up and downloaded it from google play.  After a couple of times of looking at other people making tiktoks, I decided to do one.  I have it on my tiktok account.  lol 

I dreamed I did something out of my comfort zone.  But I don't think it was out of my comfort zone. I think it also scary to other people too.  I dreamed that I went to California and I met Stephanie(nlovewithreborns2011) and bought a closed eyed reborn from her.  I love her painting but cant afford her reborns.  My mom found out and she started smoking again because she was nervous.  I don't know if she was drinking wine (wino).   I will be writing here later.  

My dog is so sweet.  This morning while I was sitting on the floor doing my yoga, I picked up this stuffed poodle that Jason gave me for Valentine's day this year.  My dog is kind of like a service dog. She helps me with my anxiety and panic attacks. She is so sweet!  That was Jordan's queue to go over to me and get a hug from me.  I was feeling mentally exhausted. :'(  When I am feeling mentally exhausted, she walks over to me and looks at me wanting me to pet her. I found a meditation that required only for me to sit upright in a chair.  It was on youtube.  It was a meditation by Kino McGregor something called calm mind.  It worked like a charm!  I will be going back to that meditation on youtube if I can find it again.  I have anxiety again about going outside of the house. Not sure what this is about or how to explain it. :'(  It's me that is making me get worse. Either me has to go or the anxiety has to go!

Why doesn't anyone want to talk about mental health? The people that do, always want to call the FBI on  me because I asked a simple question. I already know what people are going to say: These are my negative thoughts. :'(   This is what gets me angry and I start beating on everything. 1) It's not that we don't believe you, it's that you get angry about every little thing! 2)People are just afraid that I might get angry and throwing stuff and slamming doors or worse do self-harm to them or to me. (I can't remember when I self harmed. I might have picked on my skin a little bit, but that's about it. But why do I care?) I'll be adding more here unfortunately. :'(  

Written by: Pamela Ann Written on: 2/19/2014 Re-written and edited on: April 27, 2020 Poem inspired by a letter I wrote. To this life, is not  such a depressing life, As I write this poem, As plain as I can see. My last poem was not so bad, I should recite a poem,  On a stage. I want to recite a poem, on a stage. How do I go about it? When I asked for an opinion, I always got the facts. Oh I have to do a speech on Selective Mutism. This  is more harder than it seems.

Does anyone else ever think about hurting themselves or other people?  I try not to but the thoughts still keep coming.  I try to think something else but those thoughts come back after about a couple of days.  What is it called? What was I thinking when I was in that apartment over there at Seville Apartments?  When I moved over there I was going to take care of my grandmother but when she moved into the nursing home, I became so isolated and withdrawn. I did not want to leave my apartment to go for a walk.  I would dread going down to the laundry room to do my laundry.  I became sad.  I wanted to move but I did not want to move back home to mom and dad's house.  I wanted to be friends with one lady who is an African American but was afraid.  She even asked me to ask her if she wanted to walk with me somewhere the next time I walked to the store or Walmart.  I wanted to but was very afraid to.  :'(  Then on December 20, 20...

*Updated Bucket List* 1. Take a class. 2. Learn to drive (but not actually drive. Who says you have to actually drive the rest of your life as soon as you learn) 3. Do things I know that I know how to do. 4. Do things for myself on my own. Don’t let people do them for me. 5. Learn how not to make people scared of me (check) 6. Cruise to Cozumel,  Mexico, Jamaica 7. Learn how to make facial expressions so that people will not think that I am mad or make people scared of me. 8.Take a yoga class. 9. Get a job and keep it for as long as they need me. 10. Get an apartment by myself whereas going into the office and talking to the manager and asking for an application. 10. Buy a house. (check) 11. Get a dog. 11. Get down to goal weight at 141 pounds. 12. When I get down to goal weight, I will get a prize for myself If I can afford it. 13. I already know I can’t have a roommate because Its not appropriate – (well for me anyhow).  So I wil...