My Blog

When people are talking and something about guns and shooting comes up and I think a thought about someone saying that it will literally come back down hitting someone in the head.  Is that one called an intrusive thought?  This is really embarrassing to ask but what is that called?  It's probably something called a normal thought and everyone thinks things like this all the time.  It is normal.   A lot of the times these kinds of thoughts scare the shit out of me. There was one thought I had that I would hit someone on the head with a frying pan and it was on a good day.  It scared the shit out of me.  And on those days a conversation triggers something.   Oh there was this time when we cross a railroad track and there was a train coming. It was way off down the tracks but still.  I wanted to say "goodbye I'm leaving out the car. I sincerely suggest that you come with me out the car to everyone in the car or you can just kiss your ...

  Actually I do have snapchat, instagram. I hardly ever use them because I am always on Facebook hiding behind my public page I Am Affirmations posting affirmations.  

I was told that I didn't have any fears. By who? Not quite sure.  But why am I afraid to stand up for myself?  The short answer is I don't know.  I don't even know why I am afraid to stand up for myself.  I guess the simplest thing for me to do is let everyone do for me what they have always done for years without any arguments from me. And no ifs, and or buts.  I just do whatever it is that people ask me to do and that's that.  But why can't I do something for me?  Because people don't think that I can make the right choices for myself.  So people have to make decisions for me.  Like if say what if I want to meet someone?  People would automatically pop up and say "no, that is not a good idea".  This is why I say that I am mentally a three year old.  Yes, physically I am a 51 year old but I'm mentally a three year old.  I think that I will always be mentally a three year old.   I'm not done yet.  

I believe my SM is situation mutism.  I can speak in certain situations with certain people when they make me feel comfortable.  Other situations I simply cannot speak for the life of me. The title is just the title of the video.  Most people if you don't know them will judge you--but in my case most people that I do know that really don't understand selective mutism will judge me except two people those would be my best friends on the internet.  You know who you are.  :)  All others do not understand.  Let's say make that three people.    

This sounds familiar that I have done when I was younger.  The last time was pretty recent.  But the worst one was in 2014 before the hospital in Houston at Cypress Creek.  People who have selective mutism and autism do this when they are mad.  It comes from frustration and not being able to physically speak.  This is the reason for me saying that I could have mild autism or even asperger's.  

I remember this one time after Hurricane Harvey, and my parents were talking to TJ Martin and his workers. I knew it sounded so fishy, but I had no say in it. I wish I could have had a say in it. I was anxious the whole time because I was holding Jordan (at the time).  I don't know if my parents would probably shush me even though I wanted to say something important about TJ.  I did think that TJ was bad, bad news.  But I still couldn't say anything because the selective mutism wouldn't allow me to.  Yes, I scared but didn't know what would happen.  I'll tell you what ended up happening was that TJ basically took every last bit of my parents' money and basically ran back to Baton Rouge, Louisiana!    

I know selective mutism and high blood sugar has something to do with one another.  People keep telling me that I eat too much fattening foods and I have to agree with them just because I am selectively mute. I need to find other selectively mute people who only have selective mutism and nothing else.  Now if I was autistic, wouldn't like to be touched. But there is a lot more to being autistic than not liking to be touched Jason Van de viere!!!!!!   Jason, you are not a doctor and you never will be!  So shut up asshole!   And his mother--Doni telling me that I don't have panic attacks!  ugh!  Don't judge what you don't understand, assholes!  I know Jason's mother has ADHD and Jason has ADD.  They are both sitting on there f___ FAT asses telling me about my selective mutism when they know nothing of the sort!   Now I know that selective mutism will lead to high stress levels and high anxiety, and high blood sugar so shut u...