My Blog

I can remember the first time I was anxious wear when my grandmother was in the hospital last time.  I probably knew an anxiety attack was going to happen later that day. I just did not know what it was at that time. Until I asked the SM Space Cafe.  I probably had an anxiety attack in the laundry room at the apartment complex I was living in. I had a full blown anxety attac because i was anxious at the hospital on Thursday the 20 of December in 2012. I just didn't know what it was at the time.  I just had a visitor in my dream last night. that was not a dream. The date that is on the title is it really happened. :'(

I seem to have depression more often like I feel like I'm being controlled and can't do anything. I can't volunteer anywhere else. I can't take a class.  I can't speak in certain situations or with certain people.   I want to be able to do anything I want as long as it's within reason and it's safe. I also don't feel safe anymore.  I am scared of the coronavirus. I stay at home because I'm scared. The only time I go out is with someone.  So taking Jordan (dog) for a walk is out.  :'( 

I dreamed I was having a panic attack. I was breathing hard.  I couldn't breathe and I woke myself screaming and as I woke up screaming I said oh sh*t.  Saturday morning around 1am 

After tax and everything the rent will be about 600 dollars. I will be taking my phone back to the store where I got it and all my money will all go into the apartment. I don't think that will be good.  I bet I wrote this down wrong just like the part with me maybe being on Medicaid or something. But that wasn't true. Watch! They will leave me behind at the house and not take me to social security with them. Which is a  no-no. Well no signature isn't going to get written down without me. Without my signature, it will be nothing.  I contacted bcp but there is no way to get there as it is the worst part of town. I am afraid the they won't understand SM and that it is an ANXIETY DISORDER. 

I want to move so that Lady won't make my Jordan so anxious. But really one of those dogs is pooping on the carpet upstairs. I will find out which dog it is. Jordan goes outside to poop in the grass. I stepped on the patio not in the grass. Lady pees and poops on the patio.  To find out which dog is pooping upstairs on the carpet, I want to move out. I'm tired of Jordan getting blamed for everything Lady does. Why can't Jordan and me get treated like individuals.  Every week someone who specializes in selective mutism can come over and work with me and do stuff and go out to do stuff.  Like, I don't know which would require me speaking and ordering food and drink. 

I said the next person who walks in the office I say hi to and that next person just happened to be umm a consumer. So I get 3 dollars for speaking to that person.  and another 3 dollars for telling another person where he was. I am so proud of myself. How come I can speak to total strangers and not to people I know?  I said hi.  

I almost earned myself 3 dollars today just from speaking not really. I almost said or getting ready to say they she is working the front desk while someone was at lunch. I literally kicked myself for not speaking up. when I was volunteering. My sister was up at the front desk doing someone else's job that they forgot they were supposed to do. But they forgot. Well it's true they should have written it down but why didn't they.  No, I am not mentioning anyone's name in this blog.  That is what a trustworthy person does.  I have Selective Mutism and I would never tell on anyone else. I let them do it. Actually I just stay out of it and then write it in my blog. Really!? But I never mentioned any names. That is what people with Selective Mutism do. I guess their anxiety is making them do that? I guess?  I need to either transfer over 3 dollars or buy myself a treat. Because I spoke to someone today at volunteering job.  Well I spoke and said where my siste...