Wednesday July 9, 2025 | Doubting my abilities

This is not a good thing or a bad thing.  I'm reading this book, and a lot of things are coming up for me, and most of it is mostly psychological.   This is all in bits and pieces---and the order I read the book.  So I jotted some things down as I was reading, as I had remembered it.  

My childhood best friend said some things about me then that had me questioning myself.  She said that I was eating candy one afternoon as we were playing a ping pong table game.  She said, " You are pigging out on candy".  One time she even said a fat joke.  Kind of a lame fat joke. Well that was because I didn't understand fat joke or even jokes in general.  I didn't even catch it until moments later.  "You ate too many pickles".   She said something along the line of  "If your leg was see-through, then you could fit three pickles inside that leg."  Or words to that effect.   I did not even catch that joke.  Right then I started imagining it literally.  Why do I take things so literally?  

What are unmet needs?  I did want to plan ahead and people keep saying don't worry about that--that is too far into the future to even think about.  

When I got to the part where people say things that they don't mean.  For example?  When my dad said "She will never get what she wants if she doesn't talk".  It sure did sound like he meant that at the time.  I will never forget what he said or the tone of voice too!  Now--- question?  Was that a pretty horrible messaging thing that yes even parents say and they don't realize it.  I felt horrible and cried.  My dad couldn't possibly remember that.  At 17, they had me sit in a chair for a certain amount of time--just like the hospital in Galveston told them to do.   Now is that uncalled for or is it not?   

Is this what happened when I tortured myself with anxiety and fear when I broke something unintentionally or on purpose?  During childhood years from about 3 to about 10?  This book is bringing up all kinds of memories either good or bad that I think that people will say that I don't have.  There is my mind again going 90 miles an hour.   Okay now I am questioning myself again.  I literally felt incompetent most of the time when I was in childhood and even now in adulthood.  I can't trust myself or give myself permission to do anything, but does that stop me?  Yes it does.  Yes some of the examples the author is telling is just about how I felt.  I highlighted the quite a few parts that stuck out to me.  I am unable to relay what I read back.  

Anything happen when I was eighteen months?  I am wondering if I ever said a strong "NO"!  

I have felt overly criticized, and I often doubted my abilities.  Example: When I first got in the apartment, I asked myself standing in the middle of the dining room.  "Gee, how long is this going to last".