Tuesday May 30, 2023 | What is on my mind?

You know what?  I get on the internet and just look up one thing---selective mutism and wonder if I have other things wrong with me.  Maybe people are right.  Maybe auditory processing and selective mutism just fit.  If It were for me not understanding my auditory processing is the reason that I developed selective mutism and probably I get afraid to talk because I really don't know what people really said because I can't bring myself to ask.  Here I go again telling a different story because people don't want to listen.  Once I get auditory processing disorder and selective mutism, I have them for life!!!  

I guess I will die not ever trying to overcome it because I have it for life!   

Since selective mutism and auditory processing disorder are all in my head and it's all psychological, I can't overcome either.  Well, auditory processing disorder has no cure but there are ways you can work around it.  Like turning on the captions and asking people to repeat themselves if I am able.   

If I really can't talk and say what happened when I was 3. People seem to be able to tell what happened when I was three.  Do you think my parents are treating me like those four animals and just second-guessing me?  Just like we just try to guess what is wrong with a cat rather than asking.   Well, that is what I feel like.  I am sorry to dis my parents like that but tired of them speaking for me!  Or maybe I just don't have any support for overcoming selective mutism or hope that I will ever overcome it!!!  

My parents are just afraid that I will overcome SM and you know what?  If I overcome SM I would be out of here!!!  So they are preventing me from overcoming SM.  I also have auditory processing.  I swear to god I have undiagnosed ASD and ADHD.   There is so much more to ADHD than just yapping a lot.   ugh!!!  If I have to say that until I am blue in the face I will!  People are just ignoring me because I just have psychological issues like auditory processing disorder and selective mutism.  If we really put our heads together, we I can know if I really do move around in my seat or tap my hands and feet constantly.  Or maybe it's something else?  Why would my hands and feet be tapping beyond my knowledge?    

I have another deadline. Time is running out on me!  :'(  I have been too afraid to do anything earlier in my life. I was too afraid of my parents because I have gotten in trouble in the past and I am afraid that will happen again. So what can I say?  I only did what I knew at the time.  But I should have done something differently back on December 20, 2012.  I ran down the hall screaming because some elderly man living at the apartment was trying to kiss me.  I should have done something differently!!  It is all my fault and I burned my bridge forever and ever!  I can never live alone or even live with someone else ever again!!! :'(