Intrusive Thoughts

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Saturday, August 1 2020  How am I going to say this?  I am having intrusive thoughts about how to accidentally get caught in something and then dying.  What does that mean?  It is really bothering me now.    

Sunday, August 2, 2020, I had a panic attack in my sleep. All i know is that i could not breathe. I had trouble catching my breath. When i woke up it was 4am i had to pee so i drank cold water then. Then i got back in bed. 
I got back in bed and fell back asleep. Had a nightmare about my cousin on my dad's side of the family. Can't remember what that was about. Except that they were not safe.  I wonder if my cousin is safe? 
Then I dreamed about my nephew. I dreamed there was a shooting in downtown Beaumont right where they were going and didn't know. I knew about it but didn't know how to tell them except writing it down.  I wonder if my nephew is safe? 

I know I should not be dreaming stuff like this but it seems like I care about people and even the people who act crazy and weird and say weird things.  I can't help what I dream about.  

My SM is so bad right now that everything is triggering me.  If I could rate my anxiety right now, with 10 being the worst and 1 being not at all.  It would be at a 10!  

Even when I was listening to meditation, I had a rough time taking deep breaths in meditation.  Is anyone else having like weird dreams or panic attacks during this covid-19 crap?  

I have been struggling lately a lot with SM.  No one really understands Selective Mutism! This is so frustrating!  Selective Mutism is so much more than just not speaking!!!  It is probably the panic and anxiety attacks and the meltdowns. Maybe people thinking that we are having a fit or temper tantrum.  But the truth is.... we are not having a fit or a temper tantrum. But it appears that we are. Stop saying that we are having a fit or a temper tantrum! It is very irritating!!!!  

Why don't people listen to us?  We may not speak as we are not sure what to say or we are so afraid to speak up.  


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