Saturday September 20, 2025 | What does success mean to you?

My success is very important to me and it means more to me than people give me credit for.  It is important for me to get a job no.  What I would really like to do is work from home.  Blogging and making videos with tips and tricks how I am coping with selective mutism.  Journaling, cuddling my dog, watching youtube videos, making bracelets (except I can't afford the stuff to make any right now because I keep spending too much money on other crap. making bracelet come last on my list to pay for things.)  More importantly, bills are more important to pay for first!  But where is that money all going?  It's going to 300 dollars worth of groceries every two weeks.  Maybe I should be going to the store every month?  I think that is best thing for me to do is to go to the store every month.  I have to make that money last a whole month.  I can't be spending money on stupid stuff.  Like for starters, that stupid insurance.  Let me just say that insurance is roughly about 700.00 dollars?  That insurance is expensive!  

The next thing I would like to do is get an apartment and I know the rules now.  Do not let any guy spend the night in your apartment.  There should only be one person in my apartment and that would be me.  No guys.  I have learned my lesson now.  No allowing anyone to spend the night. No distroying the apartment's property.  Anything else?  No running down the hallway.  Anything else?  

I would love to get out there and blog for a living but I don't know if anyone would want to read my stuff.  I know who would end up paying or taking care of everything in the end and my parents just don't want to go through the hassle.  My mother would end up revamping my blogs just to make sure it made a little more sense after I wrote my blogs out the first time around. (is this the anxiety talking with me or not really?)  Yes, it would all be just a hassle.  

The keyword here and more is helicopter parents.  I don't care if they deny that but it is still called helicopter parents.  It doesn't matter where I heard that term first.  No Jason did not say that to me!  I was watching a youtube video of someone who is in her 30's and moved back in with her parents.  At first I denied that term of  "helicopter parent" too.  Okay I think too much.  I am wondering..... how in the hell did she get passed her mother to make her youtube channel about $5.00 dollars a month to join. This woman's mother pays her bills and takes care of her money just like some people I know.  I think all parents want to take control of their adult children just to protect them and make sure they have a nice place to live.  

What I do want to know is... is this an anxiety post or is it just a negative blog post?   Sh*t!  What do know is that I am comparing myself to others.  I don't think I should do that.  Well I have no other words left so I'm going to stop here.  

Thursday September 18, 2025 | Qigong practice helps anxiety and Tardive Dyskensia | Guided Visualization Imagery

For anyone who has neck and shoulder tension. This is a great exercise!!!!! It's a Qigong practice! I heard from tardivedyskensia.com that it helps with TD symptoms. OMG! Does this practice ever feel good to my neck and shoulders! Especially with this is VERY, VERY, VERY SEVERE ANXIETY called selective mutism. Shut up, and especially to Jason. He knows nothing about selective mutism and neither do you! I was the one who did my research about selective mutism starting back in 2011!

Here is the practice that I found. https://youtu.be/MwPx7NvDXyc?si=KIqsmMIHOwkV-eMe

I have discovered Qigong on my own.  I was looking to make my muscle pain a little bit better.  Qigong, yoga, and any kind of physical exercise helps alleviate muscle pain.  I fit in Qigong practice into my regular exercise routine after my cardio exercise so that my stress levels could go down.  I am wondering if Qigong practice does make your cortisol levels go down?   Qigong and Tai chi practices are better than any tylenol taken!  It is that good!

Oh and world Tai chi and Qigong day is the last Saturday in April.  I would say that day has passed months ago!  

Imagine that you are biting into a fresh cut lemon wedge.  The lemon juice pours onto your tongue and (you will have physical sensations from that imagined lemon)

Hello. Welcome to this meditation.  Find a comfortable position to sit or lay down.  Take a slow deep breath in and let it out slowly.  With each breath feel yourself arriving here in this moment.  As you breathe, say either mentally or out loud.  I am confident.  I am safe.  I am supported.  As you picture roots growing from your body say this.  I am open to change.  I am enough.   Imagine a bright light (any color you choose that makes you feel calm) running through you with each breath you take.  Let these affirmations settle within your body as you carry into your day.  When you are ready, gently open your eyes and move your body and stretch in anyway it feels good to you.  Namaste. 

Thursday September 11, 2025 | Talking loud in my sleep

Okay, Last night my dad heard me talking loud in my sleep.  He couldn't tell what I was saying.  I would have loved to know what I was saying in my sleep.  Oh there will be plenty of times they will catch what I say in my sleep.  I believe that I was in REM sleep.  Maybe Jason heard me talking in my sleep and hung up because he didn't want to hear me or maybe the internet disconnected, I don't know.  Anyway, I would love to know what I said last night in my sleep.  Now I am aware that I talk in my sleep and people know that I can talk because they heard me talk in my sleep.  I wonder what this all means.  I would sure love to know.   Maybe because I would love to sell my jewelry but something is getting in the way.  I would like to say the SS check and that company the IRS is getting the way.  The IRS would find out about it and then all hell would break lose and it would just be a mess.  That was my theory. Tell me your theory.  Actually dreams are just unfinished business occurring during the day.  So what do I think about during the day?  I think about what I want to do.  Then that night it may end up in my REM sleep and all hell breaks lose.  I want to make and sell jewelry but something is getting in the way.  Is it me that is getting in the way or is it the SS?  

I practice meditation. I practice yoga. I exercise.  What could be causing this?  I have been listening to a meditation for boosting the immune system and eating foods that give me energy.  The last time I ate two eggs, I got so bloated it was not funny!  So I just stick to fruits, veggies and fage yogurt.  It has like 5 grams of sugar in it.  Which isn't bad. It is greek yogurt though.  I tried the 5% Fage yogurt but that was only because Walmart didn't have the 0%.  Oh that 5% was nasty and I vowed never to get that stuff ever again!  

Wednesday September 10, 2025 | Relieving stress and anxiety

My only ways of relieving stress and anxiety is to do moderate to intense cardio workouts.  I put on my shoes and do a walking workout with Pahla B on YouTube.  I go a bit of a faster pace than Pahla B does if I have anything for breakfast that gives me energy.  Eggs, (but don't eat too many because eggs will cause anyone to feel bloated) Oranges, strawberries, blue berries, Oatmeal with nuts, apple sauce and raisins.  Now for a post workout, I like to have a protein shake with bananas and strawberries in it.  

Now I am having muscle pain and I don't think it is just my workouts doing that.  Something else other than my workouts along with it.  I don't know what that is.  

Tuesday September 9, 2025 | It smells funny outside | Someone farted

When we (my mom, dad and me) first moved back here to Texas from living in California for about 7 years, I first smelled something funny outside coming from both paper mills.  I think they shut one down over the last couple of years.  Anyway, I wanted to say to my dad "Did you fart?"  But that SM was telling me that it was not appropriate to say that to someone older than you and that I needed to respect them.  So I held in what I wanted to say.  That was before my mom even got home from working at ob&t.  A law firm she was working at before we moved to Cali.  That was in 1997, I believe.  

I just felt like I wanted to mention that, so I wrote it down in a blog.  

Here is how I like to explain Beaumont's location.  Drive about 90 miles southeast from Houston, and once you smell shit, you are there.  I know that is ugly, but it is also funny at the same time.  😯😐     

Forgiveness note

I forgive myself in the past for kicking a hole in the wall in my 20's.  I forgive myself for knocking doors off it's hinges in the past. That is only because my medication wasn't working any more.  I still feel like I need a stronger anxiety medication just to get through peri/and then menopause.  But that doctor is only there to monitor my medications not put me on a different medication. It is too much a hassle for my mom to comprehend.  Everything is becoming more of a hassle more than anything!!!!  I have to get passed peri/ and menopause without anything extra.  I just feel like I am going to die!  

Last night on September 7, I had a wonderful dream about Donnie Wahlberg. It seems like every time I have an anxiety attack, I'll have a soothing dream about about my favorite 😍 boy band. I am and always will be a NKOTB Fan for life! 

Now about that anxiety attack. Well my dr pepper black berry case ripped and one can went flying down the stairs. I cried and made a big ass scene. I couldn't cope with that. 

What is the difference between a period menopause mood and an anger out burst? I want to just so I don't do that again. I will try to control my anger and my menopausal moods if I knew how to. 

Thursday September 4, 2025 | Anxiety | Full Body Pain

I have full body muscle pain.  How do I put this?  It feels like I have muscle and bone pain.  I even have muscle pain in my feet.  I didn't think there was even muscles in our feet.  My hands and fingers hurt and it feels like muscle and bone pain.  I do hip stretches and when I meditate full body meditation that does go away and then it starts right back up again every morning.   I think anxiety could be the culprit.  Yes, I looked it up and it says yes it can be anxiety making our muscles and bones hurt.  I am wondering if anxiety does make my muscles and bones hurt from head to toe it feels like?  

I think all of this is mental but my doctor is trying to ignore anxiety and go to physical things.  I don't want to rule anything out.  

I get on my yoga mat and do yoga poses and that helps but as I said up there it starts up again every morning.